Thursday, June 29, 2017

How to Remove Ear Wax

When we got back from our holidays there was a poster through the door advertising a free consultation with an audiologist who was offering treatments for the removal of ear wax. I thought, God! has it come to this. But I kept the flyer, and re-reading it today, it gave me inspiration for this poem. I do suffer from a bit of tinnitus but I think I'll live with it.

‘Every year in the UK, an estimated 2.3 million people have problems with excessive ear wax.’

Never Stick Anything Smaller Than Your Elbow in Your Ear

Never Stick Anything Smaller Than Your Elbow in Your Ear

Malleus Incus Audiologist – Treatments £85.50 per session

For personal Ear Wax Removal at home
apply for a free quotation,
send details to
describing all ear irritation.

If hair grows like pampas grass out of your ears,
or pit dust has filled your canals,
or work down the coal mine for forty-five years
has caused grime to silt up your valves,

then Malleus Incus the Audio man
will visit your home right away,
discreet audiology second to none,
with 10% off during May.

If all you can hear is an incessant hiss
like after a gig in the park,
a soft muted fizzle, a hearing abyss
where sound is a shot in the dark,

Then Malleus Incus the Audio man
will tend to your every need,
in only ten minutes he’ll do what he can
a fast, painless job guaranteed.

The Malleus Incus procedure dissolves
and flushes out all trace of wax,
with hygienic rinses designed to resolve
the dregs that cause itching attacks.

His stainless steel rod with its grouted out head
is whizz for dry irrigation;
his vacuum pump action with extracting thread
would suck a train out of a station.

When external channels are packed tight with gunge,
you’ll need multifunctional swab,
it’s sort of a hydrogen peroxide sponge,
which usually does a good job.

Forget little fingers; that warm pinky-prod,
the pen, or the cocktail stick trick,
you’ll impact the particles, compact that crud,
and cause it to set worse than Prit.

Do not use the pencil eraser technique,
it’s not the most dazzling idea,
for something distinctive and new ultra-chic
a hot candle stuck in your ear

called Thermo-auricular Therapy Fix,
is by far the most popular craze;
white linen is soaked in a paraffin mix,
rolled tightly and then set ablaze.

And if all else fails there’s the tooth fairy, Lok
she works on ears in her spare time,
but don’t be surprised if you black out with shock
her technique is not so refined.

She hammers a tiny wee nail in your drum,
enough to cause perforation,
and then she blows hard, and the wind whistles through
affecting instant filtration.

Of course, Lok is under strict supervision,
M Incus, her overall boss,
she comes with a comprehensive provision
of cover for slight hearing loss.

For personal ear wax removal act now
M. Incus will render it clear,
choose Malleus Incus the man who knows how
to move all that gunk from your ear.

Mail Malleus, advice free.
Why suffer that tormenting pain?
Send 85.50 and we’ll guarantee
you’ll never hear from us again!

Jane Sharp

I think I must have a warped muse working with me at the moment, either that or I'm just not hearing right.

I had a lovely day at the Shortland's Poetry Circle Summer Celebration, at Ripley Arts Centre, Bromley, on Tuesday where the guest poets were Danielle Hope and Michael Loveday. After the reading there was a homemade afternoon tea complete with strawberries dipped in dark chocolate, yummy! It was a good antidote to the terrible sadness of the past couple of weeks in London.

If you haven't listened to Ben Okri's poem, do it now.

So sad, such a brilliant poem and what an accurate account of that terrible scene. My prayers are for both the lost and the living.

It's a sad note to end on but all those people deserve a minute of our energy to help them get through.

Talk again soon,
Jane x

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